Editor's note: Ruben Navarrette is a CNN contributor and a nationally syndicated columnist with the Washington Post Writers Group. Follow him on Twitter: @rubennavarrette.
(CNN) -- If I may speak for some of the dads who have spoken to me over time, this year, our kids can skip the ties, golf clubs and fishing poles. What many of us really want for Father's Day is an attitude adjustment for our kids.
There's a story that a friend shared a few months ago that really made an impression on me -- as it did a roomful of other middle-aged parents who are struggling with raising their toddlers or teenagers.
One day, my friend said, he walked into his house and casually told his teenage son that he needed some help with some minor chore outside. The son, who had been playing video games, was clearly bothered. Exasperated, he said, "Dad, whenever you ask me to do stuff like this, it's just such an inconvenience."
Showing more restraint than I would have at that moment, my friend calmly apologized to his son for disturbing him. Then he picked up the phone, and fired his landscaper. Next, my friend sat down at the computer and ordered a gift for his son: a brand new lawnmower. This summer, the teenager -- who is now responsible for doing all the yard work at the family home -- is learning the true meaning of the word, "inconvenience."
Ruben Navarrette Jr. It's a great story. But what I found most interesting was the crowd's reaction. It amounted to thunderous applause. It was as if they were ready to name my friend, "Father of the Year."
There must be a whole segment of Americans who are thirsty for this message. They're worried that in trying not to be too hard on their children, they've gone too far in the other direction and turned too soft. They're concerned that they've been too lenient on their kids, too eager to cater to their whims, too quick to spoil them and too determined to convince them that they're special. This was all done with the best intentions, but it has produced some bad results.
Now, I suspect, a lot of people are experiencing a kind of parents' remorse. Many of us were raised in strict homes full of rules and expectations where mom and dad never tried to be our friends and weren't shy about yanking us back in line. And so, when we became parents, we took a different road.
Most important job: Being a Dad 
Kids: What makes my dad great .cnnArticleGalleryNav{border:1px solid #000;cursor:pointer;float:left;height:25px;text-align:center;width:25px} .cnnArticleGalleryNavOn{background-color:#C03;border:1px solid #000;float:left;height:25px;text-align:center;width:20px} .cnnArticleGalleryNavDisabled{background-color:#222;border:1px solid #000;color:#666;float:left;height:25px;text-align:center;width:25px} .cnnArticleExpandableTarget{background-color:#000;display:none;position:absolute} .cnnArticlePhotoContainer{height:122px;width:214px} .cnnArticleBoxImage{cursor:pointer;height:122px;padding-top:0;width:214px} .cnnArticleGalleryCaptionControl{background-color:#000;color:#FFF} .cnnArticleGalleryCaptionControlText{cursor:pointer;float:right;font-size:10px;padding:3px 10px 3px 3px} .cnnArticleGalleryPhotoContainer cite{background:none repeat scroll 0 0 #000;bottom:48px;color:#FFF;height:auto;left:420px;opacity:.7;position:absolute;width:200px;padding:10px} .cnnArticleGalleryClose{background-color:#fff;display:block;text-align:right} .cnnArticleGalleryCloseButton{cursor:pointer} .cnnArticleGalleryNavPrevNext span{background-color:#444;color:#CCC;cursor:pointer;float:left;height:23px;text-align:center;width:26px;padding:4px 0 0} .cnnArticleGalleryNavPrevNextDisabled span{background-color:#444;color:#666;float:left;height:23px;text-align:center;width:25px;padding:4px 0 0} .cnnVerticalGalleryPhoto{padding-right:68px;width:270px;margin:0 auto} .cnnGalleryContainer{float:left;clear:left;margin:0 0 20px;padding:0 0 0 10px} 
It's bound to happen somewhere in America on Father's Day: There will be a skinny gift box, and inside there will be a tie. "Is there anything more impersonal than a tie?" asks Cory Byrom, a 35-year-old father of three. Most of us have been guilty of buying a last-minute gift, but a modern dad wants something that allows him to express his style. To quote Doctor Who, "Bow ties are cool." Still not inspired? Don't worry. We asked dads what kinds of gifts they don't want -- and which ones they do. "I'm sure some dads enjoy golf gifts, but I'm definitely not one of them," Doug Gross, father of two and CNN.com technology writer, said. "Maybe ponying up for a massage to work out the soreness after a long day on the links -- or, for the rest of us, a stressful day at the office -- would be a better way to go." Toiletries are not the way to a modern dad's heart, so tread carefully in the Aqua Velva aisle. Byrom's reaction to a gift of aftershave? "Thanks a lot. Maybe next year I'll get some toothpaste or a stick of deodorant." But Jack Walsh, a public television producer and father of two, has fonder associations with the bracing liquid. "My dad actually loved to get aftershave, or 'smellgoods' as he called them," Walsh said. "I would prefer something that would keep me from getting breakouts every time I do a really close shave." Modern dads might actually like a pipe, but not for the reason one would think. "Pipe smoking has never been for me, but I do love the look of a smoking jacket and slippers," Walsh said. Naturally, a pipe completes the look. But Gross points out that fathers might enjoy a different device to while away the time. "That's what smartphones, tablets and other digital-age gadgets are for," he said. "Give dad the gift of gizmos." Shaving kits are tricky. "If Dad has the patience for an old-fashioned shave, a shaving kit can be an awesome gift," Byrom said. But beware of cheap quality materials that could "result in a bloodbath." Alternatively, you could support your dad's jump on the fashionable beard wagon. "Just like all dads, I relish the idea of being able to embarrass my kids in public," Byrom admits. Any sort of father-child matching outfit would do the trick. Byrom suspects this is not the kind of gift many dads would actually receive. "Maybe we can treat ourselves to this one," he suggests. Or, you could swallow your pride and get ready for some hilarious family photos. "Nothing says 'I love you, Dad!' like a gift for him to use on days spent away from the family from sunup to sundown," Byrom shared. Fishing equipment -- similar to golf accoutrements -- symbolizes dads spending time away from home. "The thing that appeals the most to me about the idea of fishing is just sitting around drinking beer," Walsh said. "So, let's cut out the middlefish and just get me some beer. And maybe a seafood dinner." Speaking of beer, it's the kind of Father's Day gift that has a range of appreciation. "Some dads prefer a growler of Belgian ale. Others are happy with a 12-pack of Miller," Gross advised. "If you're going to beer dad, make sure you know which one he is." And if you're underage, better make sure this gift comes from mom. "Ever since the James Bond movies weaponized pens, has any guy not been disappointed with a fancy pen that doesn't do more than just pen stuff?" Walsh asked. "I mean, I don't expect it to fire bullets or anything, but a taser feature or something really shows that you put some thought into the gift." Go ahead and get dad a pen -- but know this: It needs to be awesome. "If we've got the grill already, and we know how to use it, then you can save your grill gadgets," Byrom offered. Gross concludes that when it come to grilling, outsourcing might be your best option. "A nice dinner out where somebody else does the grilling for us? Now we're talking." Father's Day: Do dads want ties? Father's Day: Do dads want golf stuff? Father's Day: Do dads want aftershave? Father's Day: Do dads want pipes? Father's Day: Do dads want shaving kits? Father's Day: Do dads want to match? Father's Day: Do dads want fishing equipment Father's Day: Do dads want any old beer? Father's Day: Do dads want a nice pen? Father's Day: Do dads want grill gadgets? HIDE CAPTION << < 
"I'm sure some dads enjoy golf gifts, but I'm definitely not one of them," Doug Gross, father of two and CNN.com technology writer, said. "Maybe ponying up for a massage to work out the soreness after a long day on the links -- or, for the rest of us, a stressful day at the office -- would be a better way to go." 
Toiletries are not the way to a modern dad's heart, so tread carefully in the Aqua Velva aisle. Byrom's reaction to a gift of aftershave? "Thanks a lot. Maybe next year I'll get some toothpaste or a stick of deodorant." But Jack Walsh, a public television producer and father of two, has fonder associations with the bracing liquid. "My dad actually loved to get aftershave, or 'smellgoods' as he called them," Walsh said. "I would prefer something that would keep me from getting breakouts every time I do a really close shave." 
Modern dads might actually like a pipe, but not for the reason one would think. "Pipe smoking has never been for me, but I do love the look of a smoking jacket and slippers," Walsh said. Naturally, a pipe completes the look. But Gross points out that fathers might enjoy a different device to while away the time. "That's what smartphones, tablets and other digital-age gadgets are for," he said. "Give dad the gift of gizmos." 
Shaving kits are tricky. "If Dad has the patience for an old-fashioned shave, a shaving kit can be an awesome gift," Byrom said. But beware of cheap quality materials that could "result in a bloodbath." Alternatively, you could support your dad's jump on the fashionable beard wagon. 
"Just like all dads, I relish the idea of being able to embarrass my kids in public," Byrom admits. Any sort of father-child matching outfit would do the trick. Byrom suspects this is not the kind of gift many dads would actually receive. "Maybe we can treat ourselves to this one," he suggests. Or, you could swallow your pride and get ready for some hilarious family photos. 
"Nothing says 'I love you, Dad!' like a gift for him to use on days spent away from the family from sunup to sundown," Byrom shared. Fishing equipment -- similar to golf accoutrements -- symbolizes dads spending time away from home. "The thing that appeals the most to me about the idea of fishing is just sitting around drinking beer," Walsh said. "So, let's cut out the middlefish and just get me some beer. And maybe a seafood dinner." 
Speaking of beer, it's the kind of Father's Day gift that has a range of appreciation. "Some dads prefer a growler of Belgian ale. Others are happy with a 12-pack of Miller," Gross advised. "If you're going to beer dad, make sure you know which one he is." And if you're underage, better make sure this gift comes from mom. 
"Ever since the James Bond movies weaponized pens, has any guy not been disappointed with a fancy pen that doesn't do more than just pen stuff?" Walsh asked. "I mean, I don't expect it to fire bullets or anything, but a taser feature or something really shows that you put some thought into the gift." Go ahead and get dad a pen -- but know this: It needs to be awesome. 
"If we've got the grill already, and we know how to use it, then you can save your grill gadgets," Byrom offered. Gross concludes that when it come to grilling, outsourcing might be your best option. "A nice dinner out where somebody else does the grilling for us? Now we're talking." Father's Day: Do dads want ties? Father's Day: Do dads want golf stuff? Father's Day: Do dads want aftershave? Father's Day: Do dads want pipes? Father's Day: Do dads want shaving kits? Father's Day: Do dads want to match? Father's Day: Do dads want fishing equipment Father's Day: Do dads want any old beer? Father's Day: Do dads want a nice pen? Father's Day: Do dads want grill gadgets? HIDE CAPTION << < 
1 
2 
3 
4 
5 
6 
7 
8 
9 
10 > >> Father's Day: Does dad really want that? .cnnArticleGalleryNav{border:1px solid #000;cursor:pointer;float:left;height:25px;text-align:center;width:25px} .cnnArticleGalleryNavOn{background-color:#C03;border:1px solid #000;float:left;height:25px;text-align:center;width:20px} .cnnArticleGalleryNavDisabled{background-color:#222;border:1px solid #000;color:#666;float:left;height:25px;text-align:center;width:25px} .cnnArticleExpandableTarget{background-color:#000;display:none;position:absolute} .cnnArticlePhotoContainer{height:122px;width:214px} .cnnArticleBoxImage{cursor:pointer;height:122px;padding-top:0;width:214px} .cnnArticleGalleryCaptionControl{background-color:#000;color:#FFF} .cnnArticleGalleryCaptionControlText{cursor:pointer;float:right;font-size:10px;padding:3px 10px 3px 3px} .cnnArticleGalleryPhotoContainer cite{background:none repeat scroll 0 0 #000;bottom:48px;color:#FFF;height:auto;left:420px;opacity:.7;position:absolute;width:200px;padding:10px} .cnnArticleGalleryClose{background-color:#fff;display:block;text-align:right} .cnnArticleGalleryCloseButton{cursor:pointer} .cnnArticleGalleryNavPrevNext span{background-color:#444;color:#CCC;cursor:pointer;float:left;height:23px;text-align:center;width:26px;padding:4px 0 0} .cnnArticleGalleryNavPrevNextDisabled span{background-color:#444;color:#666;float:left;height:23px;text-align:center;width:25px;padding:4px 0 0} .cnnVerticalGalleryPhoto{padding-right:68px;width:270px;margin:0 auto} .cnnGalleryContainer{float:left;clear:left;margin:0 0 20px;padding:0 0 0 10px} 
Dad might not be easy to shop for, but don't even think about getting him another necktie this year. There are lots of gadgets out there that can help make a difference in your father's health and help him get into shape. It's an iPhone case and a portable EKG. Users can measure their heart rate by placing their fingers on the metal leads on the back of the case. The monitor is cleared by the Food and Drug Administration for sale to doctors and patients with a prescription. The PAE-300 has four sound modes, according to its website: Watch, talk, listen and relax. They can be useful during "hard to hear" listening situations while watching television or listening to music. Hue offers a variety of colorful options. Among them: users can turn their wireless lights on and off remotely when away from home, or set their lights to come on at a set time and avoid coming home to a dark house. Wine Trax offers an easy way to track your alcohol intake and keep an eye on calories. Its manufacturer, Elegant Portions, also offers dinner plates to measure portions and a measuring cereal/snack bowl. The FitBit Flex is designed to be worn everywhere, and can track workouts, food and sleep. Dad can use online tools to set and manage his fitness goals and provide motivation. Boost dad's health on Father's Day AliveCor heart monitor PAE-300 personal audio enhancer Philips Hue Wine Trax FitBit Flex band HIDE CAPTION << < 
It's an iPhone case and a portable EKG. Users can measure their heart rate by placing their fingers on the metal leads on the back of the case. The monitor is cleared by the Food and Drug Administration for sale to doctors and patients with a prescription. 
The PAE-300 has four sound modes, according to its website: Watch, talk, listen and relax. They can be useful during "hard to hear" listening situations while watching television or listening to music. 
Hue offers a variety of colorful options. Among them: users can turn their wireless lights on and off remotely when away from home, or set their lights to come on at a set time and avoid coming home to a dark house. 
Wine Trax offers an easy way to track your alcohol intake and keep an eye on calories. Its manufacturer, Elegant Portions, also offers dinner plates to measure portions and a measuring cereal/snack bowl. 
The FitBit Flex is designed to be worn everywhere, and can track workouts, food and sleep. Dad can use online tools to set and manage his fitness goals and provide motivation. Boost dad's health on Father's Day AliveCor heart monitor PAE-300 personal audio enhancer Philips Hue Wine Trax FitBit Flex band HIDE CAPTION << < 
1 
2 
3 
4 
5 
6 > >> Boost dad's health on Father's Day .cnnArticleGalleryNav{border:1px solid #000;cursor:pointer;float:left;height:25px;text-align:center;width:25px} .cnnArticleGalleryNavOn{background-color:#C03;border:1px solid #000;float:left;height:25px;text-align:center;width:20px} .cnnArticleGalleryNavDisabled{background-color:#222;border:1px solid #000;color:#666;float:left;height:25px;text-align:center;width:25px} .cnnArticleExpandableTarget{background-color:#000;display:none;position:absolute} .cnnArticlePhotoContainer{height:122px;width:214px} .cnnArticleBoxImage{cursor:pointer;height:122px;padding-top:0;width:214px} .cnnArticleGalleryCaptionControl{background-color:#000;color:#FFF} .cnnArticleGalleryCaptionControlText{cursor:pointer;float:right;font-size:10px;padding:3px 10px 3px 3px} .cnnArticleGalleryPhotoContainer cite{background:none repeat scroll 0 0 #000;bottom:48px;color:#FFF;height:auto;left:420px;opacity:.7;position:absolute;width:200px;padding:10px} .cnnArticleGalleryClose{background-color:#fff;display:block;text-align:right} .cnnArticleGalleryCloseButton{cursor:pointer} .cnnArticleGalleryNavPrevNext span{background-color:#444;color:#CCC;cursor:pointer;float:left;height:23px;text-align:center;width:26px;padding:4px 0 0} .cnnArticleGalleryNavPrevNextDisabled span{background-color:#444;color:#666;float:left;height:23px;text-align:center;width:25px;padding:4px 0 0} .cnnVerticalGalleryPhoto{padding-right:68px;width:270px;margin:0 auto} .cnnGalleryContainer{float:left;clear:left;margin:0 0 20px;padding:0 0 0 10px} 
Frank Sinatra and daughter Nancy (with Yul Brynner), 1965. Orson Wells, Rita Hayworth and daughter Rebecca, 1945. John F. Kennedy with daughter Caroline, 1958. Alfred Hitchcock and daughter Patricia, 1942. Tony Curtis with daughter Jamie Lee, 1959. Charlie Chaplin with daughters Josephine and Victoria, 1966. Famous dads and their daughters Famous dads and their daughters Famous dads and their daughters Famous dads and their daughters Famous dads and their daughters Famous dads and their daughters HIDE CAPTION << < 
Orson Wells, Rita Hayworth and daughter Rebecca, 1945. 
John F. Kennedy with daughter Caroline, 1958. 
Alfred Hitchcock and daughter Patricia, 1942. 
Tony Curtis with daughter Jamie Lee, 1959. 
Charlie Chaplin with daughters Josephine and Victoria, 1966. Famous dads and their daughters Famous dads and their daughters Famous dads and their daughters Famous dads and their daughters Famous dads and their daughters Famous dads and their daughters HIDE CAPTION << < 
1 
2 
3 
4 
5 
6 > >> Famous dads and their daughters We bought into the philosophy that children needed unlimited self-esteem, maximum freedom and minimal pressure to succeed in life or contribute to society. We taught our kids to think of themselves as entitled and to see themselves as the center of the universe. Now instead of parents having expectations of their children, children have expectations of how their parents are supposed to behave. We're here to serve them, to make their lives as comfortable and convenient as possible.
One father told me recently that all he wants from his kids is a little gratitude. That's it. He wants them to show even the slightest bit of appreciation for all that their parents are working hard to provide them. Things come too easy to them, he said. Whatever they want, they get. Now they've forgotten even how to say a simple, "thank you."
Another father told me that he wants his teenage kids to toughen up a bit before they leave home in a few years and enter the real world. He would like for them to understand that, if you want something, you can't just demand it. You have to work for it. You have to earn it.
As for me, I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of making demands on my children -- ages 8, 6 and 4.
This Father's Day, and for all the rest to come, here's what they can give me:
I want each of them to stop acting like an only child, and learn to share everything with their siblings, including their parents' time and attention;
I want them to get out of their heads this corrosive idea that the world revolves around them, and all that matters at any given moment of the day is what they want, need or feel; and
I want them to treat people better, starting with their family members, and then moving on to complete strangers, and not look down on anyone -- ever.
Of course, the rub is that this is what parents are for. It's our job to instill these values and teach children how to become good people. It doesn't happen organically. And it won't happen magically. It'll only happen if we set the standards and and lay down the law when they're not met.
And fathers have a special role to play in all of this. It's not easy being a good dad. In fact, it's exhausting. And it can often be frustrating.
In fact, frankly, a lot of fathers decide it is too hard. They give up, check out, hang back and essentially let their kids raise themselves. It's one of the reasons why we got into this mess.
The only way out is for fathers to get back in the game. We have to be present in our children's lives. Forget about being their friends. They have friends. They need fathers.
We have to be in our kids' faces, just like Grandpa and Dad used to be. And for the same reason -- because we care enough not to be anywhere else.
Happy Father's Day.
Follow us on Twitter @CNNOpinion.
Join us on Facebook/CNNOpinion.
{ 0 comments... read them below or add one }
Post a Comment